Andrew Bates

electric newspaperman

November 26, 2009
by Andrew Bates
3 Comments

New Moon review: Not Even Worth It For The LOLs

The Twilight series is a strange beast. People take it so seriously that they stich together felt representations of Bella’s womb from the third book (google it, seriously), but when you go to see it in theatres, scenes that were meant to be dramatic and suspenseful are met with not just a little laughter from around the room. Has New Moon turned the Twilight series into a parody of itself?

Many reviews, including io9.com’s, put forward that idea. The film has many of these moments: the speech where a friend of Bella’s decries another film for trying to think it’s deep because it uses metaphors; how Jacob (Tyler Lautner)’s prevalance for whipping off his shirt is accompanied by a grin that tells the audience that he knows what film he’s in; and one of the werewolves (who are all depicted by Natives) lampshades the film’s subtle racism by telling pale-white-guy-phile Bella that she “isn’t brown enough” to hang out with them, you wonder whether or not screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg, a producer for Dexter, intended to make fun of the franchise in one of the films itself.

However, the moments of hilarity do not cover for boring plot movement and terrible scenes of stilted dialogue. I almost think it’s more realistic that (hypothetically) this script, with an existing text to adapt and enough of a following to ensure scads of money no matter what, may have been a lazy sunday for an easy paycheque for someone like Rosenberg. Every time there is a terrible scene of monosyllabic dialogue with less chemistry than a sterilized table, I imagine that it’s 3:30 PM and the writer just thought “You know, I could be out of here by 4 if I just finish that scene.”

It’s still a Twilight movie, and it retains the problems of the original; terrible cinematography, the fact that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson together make the least attractive screen couple in recent memory, and a patent disdain for every vampire narrative to precede it for hundreds of years. Fourteen-year-olds are still encouraged to discard their eternal soul (seriously!) for a high-school boyfriend. Bella Swan is still the textbook example of a Mary Sue character–a character inserted by the author who is loved by everyone and is artificially unique and interesting as a form of wish fulfilment (which may be why so many teen girls like it). Bella does absolutely nothing for the whole film that makes her worth anyone’s sympathy; except when she softens up around Jacob, making promises to stay by him that vanish the moment that beanpole Edward returns from his film-long absence. It still brute forces a metaphor about celibacy through vampirism and emphasizes female subservience in gender roles; Bella is patently unable to defend herself and even after Edward treats her like dirt and leaves “forever”, her attempts to be reckless are always stopped by an apparition of Edward.

But it’s not as ostentatious as the last entry–there is no vampire baseball, although Dragon-Ball-Z style blurry-battle-CG injects the vampire/werewolf fights with hilarity. Nobody flies around the world twice to make a point, although this film features Bella getting into a motorbike crash at speed and cliffjumping a hundred feet at least, sustaining a concussion, and recieving no real injury to speak of. It relies more on its actors, which is a mistake; the film illustrates breakup pain that feels like a hole in the chest by having Bella writh in her bed screaming at the top of her lungs months and months after he left (The draft script calls for the room to “fill with black liquid” at that point, but that was too much even for this film).

The best part is the film that the characters go to see; a action send-up called Face Punch with hilariously hammy dialogue. Other than that, though, even the parody value of this film is not worth it. See this film if you like pain or want to inflict it on others; send friends to this film as punishment or donate to charity to guilt them to it. But if you want to get any enjoyment of it–even Bad Movie Night enjoyment–abandon that prospect, for it is as bleak as the film’s colour pallette.

This article was written for the Phoenix Newspaper, and it is not relased under any sort of Creative Commons license.

November 16, 2009
by Andrew Bates
0 comments

Star editors strike back at outsource talk by editing

stareditor

Earlier this month, the Toronto Star sent out a memo from Publisher John Cruickshank to internal staff disclosing their intention to lay off in-house union jobs. Someone who purportedly works for the Star relayed this red-inked version of that memo to the Torontoist. In it, the anonymous editor humourously reminds Cruickshank to follow the paper’s manual of style, chides him for his use of weasel words, points out the passive voice, asks him to provide sources on PR catchphrases like the “core capabilities that drive the business”, and unearth his buried lede.

It’s all very funny, but it exposes an important point. The editors claim that they are necessary because they feel it is important to live up to the standards of the Star–a paper with lots of history around strong adherence to standards–and it seems that the publisher’s writing might not live up to the same. As someone who has written for both student papers and someone else’s blog where there is no oversight, nothing helps contribute to the development of good journalism better than a good editor who can really teach them something.

November 14, 2009
by Andrew Bates
4 Comments

Question of the Day: Billions of enemies

It’s caffeine Friday! See, in order to get to work on Friday morning, I have to get up at 5:30, which means so much coffee. And then I do things that are silly. Like ask a question of the day!

It’s based on a random question I got asked over the internet yesterday. The question of the day is:

TELL ME
IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE
HOW WOULD YOU DEFEAT BILLIONS OF ENEMIES

I’m personally fascinated by this question because it could practically have any answer. The only parameters are 1) you are in space, 2) there are billions of enemies, and 3) you must defeat them. Everything comes from you; hell, “defeat them with trillions of allies” is even a valid answer. Here are some responses I got today from asking friends and coworkers:

  • lure them to a planet, where you fire like twenty giant laser cannons at them
    • someone else said lasers too
  • surrender to the enemies and betray humanity, then betray the enemies
  • use an implosion bomb
  • use the Terrible Shotgun
  • fire a flamethrower at them and constantly be carried backwards by the recoil
  • use your death star
    • someone else answered death star, specifically hoping there was no luke skywalker
  • “We’re all just hanging out in the cold vacuum of space? Well then we all have like 30 seconds to live. I guess I’d just wait.”
    • two people suggested that you would sit there in a space suit waiting as they all suffocated
  • lure them into a wormhole that opens into a sun
  • using a device, expose them all to gamma and other types of radiation (which your suit would protect you against)
  • technically, earth is already in the cold vacuum of space, and there are billions of people who could be enemies. Just make friends with them!
  • make them believe you have lost, and then attack with the element of surprise
  • catch them with a tractor beam and drag them into the sun
  • “Shoot yer mofuggin blackhole-gun, yo”
  • Trick Q into defeating them for you, which is always more painful than necessary, but makes for a good story line.”
  • “I’d try to overwhelm their kill limits.”
  • assuming they are going to come into the solar system to get us they probably need earth’s energy or something. So trap them in the solar system, move earth to a solar system with cooler planets than mars and the moon, and let the aliens waste away without earth energy
  • billions could be like, microbes, right? disenfectant spray.
  • Infect the enemies with nanobots that colonize their bodies and make them reliant on nanobots, then hit the enemies with an electromagnetic pulse, disabling all of the nanobots.
  • Call the Russians for help.
  • Shoot water at them, which would turn into freezing icicles first.
  • Put a billion razor-sharp dicksphalluses into the orbit of a planet and put them between you and the enemy.
  • “I’d try to overload their kill limits.”  (sup futurama)

I find it kind of interesting to see what people responded because it’s so open. Most people constructed defeat as needing an actual physical attack; most people defined the “enemies” as aliens, and about two-thirds of the responses depended on some sort of hand-to-hand combat or at least just assumed one person in an exo suit. Only two people called for help, one person thought that the “enemies” might be the bad guys, and two people resorted to subterfuge. There were only a few people who tried to defy the premise altogether (the dying in space guy, the microbe girl). Of the people who turned me down, most (although some just did out of hand) did so because there wasn’t enough context for them to construct their response. One guy turned me down because although he could see himself defeating hundreds or thousands of enemies, billions were too much.

What’s your answer to the question? Try asking your cool friends–what do they say?

November 13, 2009
by Andrew Bates
0 comments

The Death of Web 1.0

I wrote a piece for the Phoenix and the Canadian University Press about the death of Geocities and Web 1.0, but I went one step further; I laid out my article in the form of a terrible website. Here it is, in all of its glory:

http://www.team-bates.com/HotelRoom/Index.html

Picture 1

The website and article linked in this post are licensed with the Creative Commons for non-commercial use, attribution required.

October 29, 2009
by Andrew Bates
0 comments

Everything Happened In The News This Week

Ladies and gentlemen,
Everything happened in the news this week.
A ferry bound for Vancouver accidentally dropped anchor and did a doughnut.
One man missed a meeting, lost a client, and lost his job,
While readers were filled with an amusing mental image.
A politician cut funding to a cash-strapped social program,
Which some people were angry about,
While most readers didn’t care.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Everything happened in the news this week.
A man lost a testicle in a dog attack,
He was in a world of pain.
Most readers either crossed their legs,
Or laughed because the headline had the word “testicle” in it.
A mother and two daughters died in a house fire.
The husband’s heart was filled with sorrow,
While most readers ignored it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Everything happened in the news this week.

October 10, 2009
by Andrew Bates
0 comments

The Ecstacy of Silver(ware): USL-1 Final Preview

Je me souviens

Je me souviens

As one nation gets ready for World Cup Qualifying, another focuses on club football. But we have reason to salivate; this tie really is sumptuous. Montreal and Vancouver are two top clubs who do not like each other.

Being Canadian clubs in USL, there is a lot of rivalry between Montreal and Vancouver notwithstanding anyhting that happened this year. Seven players between them have played for both teams, including Montreal’s Eddy Sebrango and Vancouver’s Charles Gbeke. But so much happened this year.

For those who do not remember, after beating the Impact twice in the Nutrilite Canadian Championship, the Whitecaps were in a place to win so long as Montreal didn’t lose by an unheard of amount against Toronto in the final group stage game, which they absolutely did. An effort that can be described only as flaccid saw them lose 6-1 and deny the Whitecaps glory.

To make matters worse, the Impact beat the Whitecaps two days later, and again in their final meeting of the season. And that is what makes this match-up so damn interesting. There is very little between the two teams to say that one is better.

The Impact team that Vancouver beat in the Voyageurs Cup was in shambles, rattling below the playoff line and filled with poisonous elements. Vancouver’s last half wasn’t much better; critical problems in the defense were exposed by terrible finishing. Both teams eventually recovered; after sacking players for fighting with other players, they began to rack up real results. The Impact’s last 12 matches of the season contained only one loss; the Whitecaps went their last 14 with only one loss; to Montreal.

Although Vancouver swept the season series, but Vancouver have looked like something else in this playoff run, smartly dumping the Timbers, who have been so deadly this season I am wholeheartedly surprised they are not in this game.

There is nothing between the teams that can give us any indication of what will happen. That’s what will make it so exciting. A theme whispered under the breath of the Southsiders is the phrase je me souviens (I remember for our American readers), Quebec’s national motto but evocative, in this context, of the pain of this year’s Voyageurs Cup; of ecstatic joy followed by bitter anger. Regardless of the result, however, one thing is certain; this tie will be impossible to forget.

Cross-posted to the 24th Minute

October 8, 2009
by Andrew Bates
0 comments

Stop Everything, They’re Bombing the Moon

CHAonthemoonSomebody’s bombing the moon, and nobody even thought to invite a supervillain.

Apparently, there’s some science going on. In an attempt to find out whether there’s water on the moon (because, you know, it’s real warm up there and astronauts get wicked parched), NASA is going to fire two specially designed spacecraft at the moon to create a massive cloud of, literally, moondust that they can then measure to find out how much water might be lying underneath.

It’ll be a while before the whole shebang bang bangs, because the mission doesn’t launch until October 26th, and even then, the ship needs to take a three month trip to reach, and NASA says this themselves, “proper moon-smashing position”. Plenty of time for a supervillain to overcome the snub and find some way to, for  a short time, endanger us all.

October 5, 2009
by Andrew Bates
0 comments

10,000 Hotmail passwords leaked

Photo by niallkennedy (Twitter)

Photo by niallkennedy (Twitter)

If you’re someone that uses Hotmail and uses one password for everything, watch out. Lifehacker posted today that apparently, 10,000 username/password pairs were leaked to PasteBin, a collaborative coding website. Many of these were e-mails starting with the letters A and B on the @hotmail.com, @msn.com, and @live.com domains, although most appear to be European based. If you have any sort of address starting with a or b or haven’t changed your hotmail password since high school, now’s a good time to change it.

October 5, 2009
by Andrew Bates
2 Comments

Somehow I’ll find time to post here

Hey there, everybody. I dig on writing things, so I’ll do that right here. I write BC news for the Canadian University Press Newswire, features for The Phoenix at UBC Okanagan, and sports news for the 24th Minute. In the midst of all of that, I am also an English major. Somehow, in all the time I never have, I will post various bits of things that amuse me here. Maybe some links to things that are funny, album reviews, how pumped I am on soccer, whatever. It’s for things I want to write that don’t fit, for whatever reason, in my usual outlets. Students in Kelowna don’t have too much of a web presence, so I put something out there that helps develop that.